My Empty Town

Banyak sekali yang telah terjadi di tahun 2021. Sampai bulan November, aku berpikir bahwa tahun ini bertema "perpisahan". Aku berpisah dengan banyak orang, ikatan, tempat, maupun keadaan; dan kebanyakan merupakan perpisahan jangka panjang. Bisa jadi selamanya. Namun, Desember 2021 cukup bermakna buatku. Perjalanan, pertemuan, pengalaman, dan diskusi yang baru cukup menyegarkanku dan memberikan epilog yang baik untuk tahun yang sepi ini. Aku telah melewati banyak hal, dan aku merasa sedang berprogres untuk "naik" tahun ini. Ada pola-pola tidak sehat yang akhirnya bisa mulai kutinggalkan. Aku mulai punya kendali lebih atas diriku, kesehatanku, dan hidupku. Aku mulai percaya pada diriku. Terima kasih banyak untuk orang-orang yang sudah hadir di dalam hidupku. Meskipun pengalaman kita banyak yang kurang mengenakkan (dan kebanyakan karena diriku), semoga kalian ingat bahwa kita punya memori yang baik juga. Meskipun mungkin perpisahan kita kurang menyenangkan, aku merasa ...

Initializing connection... ... ... Failed (I want to be connected) [Aren't we all connected?] Initializing connection... ... ... Reset Initializing connection... ... ... Failed Can't connect? >> Yes >> Already connected

I just finished watching Impostor Factory (IF) gameplay. I was in tears for multiple times, it contains bitter-sweet scenes. I'm glad that I rewatched To The Moon (TTM) before watching IF. In a particular video, I found a comment mentioned multiple layers/parallel lives. It really helps me understand IF, probably. Anyway, I come to this platform to write things that messy in my mind, some ideas I got after watching IF, so I bet this writing wouldn't be well-structured. === Once, Faye said, "to me, time is a place"... I remember that in Finding Paradise (FP), there is one OST named Time is A Place. I didn't understand the meaning of the title at first, but it's different now. Faye, as the "controller" of the virtual world, can hop to any certain memories. To her, time is a place she can visit any"time". It's different to us, which only can visit one particular moment when it.. happens. Probably that is how people live in the 5th dimensio...

Okay, I want to be honest to myself so I can move on as soon as possible. I am aware that I lose my motivation in preparing my upcoming conference. The main factor was the rejection. A week ago, I proposed to my professor if I could work on his team again, after this project. He rejected me with a very good and understandable reasons: he wants me to learn more in new environment, new people, new experiences. I can accept that. But deep down, I am also not accept that hahahaha. Why do I not accept that? :/ Mmmmh first I need to know, why did I expect to be accepted, when he even has never had an assistant before. I think it's because I perceive this rejection as: "ah, I've been deserted. I'm all alone, even for preparing my future study." I had a motivation to continue my master degree and it was developing as he said we can discuss about it together. But hey, I am thinking too far. We only talked about my proposal to be a member in his research program, it doesn...

Esai merupakan sebuah teks yang berisi tentang opini penulisnya terhadap sebuah topik. Pada umumnya, struktur esai terdiri dari pendahuluan, isi atau pembahasan, serta kesimpulan. Bagian pendahuluan berisi tentang latar belakang atau deskripsi umum yang mengantarkan pembaca untuk memahami isu yang sedang dibahas dan apa pandangan penulisnya terhadap isu tersebut. Bagian isi atau pembahasan berisi tentang argumen-argumen yang mendukung opini penulis terhadap isu yang dibahas. Kemudian, bagian kesimpulan berisi tentang intisari esai tersebut sekaligus penutup. Di dalam dunia akademik, esai merupakan salah satu subjek yang memiliki peran penting. Pada umumnya, penulisan esai diajarkan di sekolah ataupun universitas. Pada sejumlah tes kemampuan bahasa, misalnya TOEFL IBT dan IELTS, menulis esai menjadi salah satu bahan untuk menguji kemampuan menulis pesertanya. Penulisan esai juga kerap kali menjadi persyaratan untuk seleksi beasiswa atau lamaran pekerjaan. Sebetulnya kita dapat mempertan...

Sesuatu selalu datang ketika stres sedang menumpuk. Saat Sesuatu datang, aku biasanya mau tidak mau akan memfokuskan perhatianku kepadanya. Aku akan sulit beraktivitas, sehingga aku selama ini menganggap bahwa Sesuatu menggangguku. Entah bagaimana, dalam beberapa bulan terakhir sebelum minggu ini, Sesuatu tidak datang. Aku bisa lancar mengerjakan aktivitas keseharianku, bahkan aku bisa memikirkan hal-hal yang dulu bisa kupikirkan sebelum Sesuatu mulai muncul "menggangguku". Aku bisa memikirkan pertanyaan itu lagi. Aku bisa memikirkan keingintahuanku lagi. Mungkin, Sesuatu ingin menahanku dari keingintahuan yang meluap-luap. Keingintahuanku adalah pedang bermata dua, ia memotivasiku untuk terus hidup, tetapi juga sempat mendorongku untuk mati. Aku adalah orang yang pertama kali sadar ketika Sesuatu datang. Aku adalah orang yang bertemu secara langsung oleh Sesuatu, aku adalah orang yang paling mengerti dengan apa yang ia lakukan, inginkan, dan apa yang aku ingin lakukan kepada...

Bagaimana caranya supaya aku bisa mencintaimu? Sedang kamu terus-menerus membunuhku Dengan kata yang tak henti-henti kau ucapkan Bagaimana caranya supaya aku bisa mengasihimu? Sedang kamu menegasikan aku Dengan harapanmu yang tak bisa aku penuhi Bagaimana caranya memaafkanmu? Saat dendam memakanku dari dalam Bagaimana Caranya Agar aku bisa menerimamu yang bahkan tak menerimaku

 You told that story with high enthusiasm. I was listening to you, and thinking about this sentence: I don't belong here. I recalled a sentence from one I watched last night: We are good at acting. I remembered what my teacher told me: Acting is an important skill. I remembered what my supervisor said: I'm just.. thinking that they were behind me. They would not understand what I'm gonna say, and there is no point to say anything to them. So I'm just gonna pretend. Gladly, I found someone that I can share my true me. I feel so relieved when I am with her. I remembered that song: Pretend you're happy when you're blue It isn't very hard to do And you'll find happiness without an end Whenever you pretend. I remembered what has written in that manga: Sometimes, what we say and what we do are not real yet, but it could be real some day. ... What do you want to do? I want to go, Somewhere. Maybe I'll be killed out there But nobody never knows.

[Don't worry, no spoiler in this text] Boku dake ga inai machi (Erased) and Omori are psychological story. I found Erased manga before I knew that it has been adapted as anime and live action. I read an article about the manga and anime comparison. I also watched the synopsis of the anime. I'm glad that I chose to read the manga instead of watch the anime, because the manga is more detailed. As a mystery story, the manga gives several clues but not as obvious as the anime, so we can try to figure the puzzle out while reading the manga. The ending is way much different too. In the manga, the story ends by a final mystery, a final battle between the protagonist and antagonist. In the anime, they confront each other too, but the resolve is quite.. simple. I also love that in the manga, the character background and development is described. Omori, unlike Erased, is a psychological-horror game. It is nonlinear game, so our decision will determine the ending. It has several endings t...

I always think that this condition is really hard to me. However, I just realized that this condition is also very difficult for them. We both don't want to be in this condition, but here we are. When he lied to them, she actually felt that something was wrong. She thought he cheated on us. But, that time, she denied her gut. After several months, she tried to strengthen herself and faced this reality. She had a denial phase . Some years ago, I tried to come out. She denied me. I was very sad, disappointed, and angry at the moment, because I felt invalidated. Now I understand, she just couldn't accept the truth. If she could not accept me the way I am, I am the one who have to accept myself. I am valid with my own condition. I just have to be patient. One day, I would able to be come out. Meanwhile, I have to prepare myself. I need to stabilize my mental state and physical state. It's still gonna be a long journey. That sucks, but this is the only thing I can do. Happy fast...

I am their biggest disappointment. I am a loser, weirdo, gloomy, egoistic, emotional, terrible, person. I am really bad at speaking up about my opinions, standpoint, and arguments. Because when the surroundings threaten me, I'll get frozen and everything in my mind will only stay in my mind. I've taught to do that for my entire life. "Merasa tidak berdaya" adalah suatu frasa yang ternyata bisa sangat mempengaruhi kondisi seseorang. Orang yang "sehat" dan "bahagia" memiliki perasaan "berdaya". "Yuk, kita bahas, rumah ini mau dibagaimanakan. Ini open discussion ya, jadi kamu ngomong saja apa yang ada di pikiranmu. Kalau menurut saya, gorden itu diganti menjadi kaca saja." "Nggak deh, menurutku lebih baik tetap pakai gorden saja." "Ya... kan rumahnya mau ditata, supaya lebih rapi. Kamu kan juga nanti akan meninggalkan rumah ini." "Ya kalo gitu bilang aja: 'ini rumahku, terserah aku mau diapain', ngg...