My Empty Town

Bagaimana caranya supaya aku bisa mencintaimu? Sedang kamu terus-menerus membunuhku Dengan kata yang tak henti-henti kau ucapkan Bagaimana caranya supaya aku bisa mengasihimu? Sedang kamu menegasikan aku Dengan harapanmu yang tak bisa aku penuhi Bagaimana caranya memaafkanmu? Saat dendam memakanku dari dalam Bagaimana Caranya Agar aku bisa menerimamu yang bahkan tak menerimaku

 You told that story with high enthusiasm. I was listening to you, and thinking about this sentence: I don't belong here. I recalled a sentence from one I watched last night: We are good at acting. I remembered what my teacher told me: Acting is an important skill. I remembered what my supervisor said: I'm just.. thinking that they were behind me. They would not understand what I'm gonna say, and there is no point to say anything to them. So I'm just gonna pretend. Gladly, I found someone that I can share my true me. I feel so relieved when I am with her. I remembered that song: Pretend you're happy when you're blue It isn't very hard to do And you'll find happiness without an end Whenever you pretend. I remembered what has written in that manga: Sometimes, what we say and what we do are not real yet, but it could be real some day. ... What do you want to do? I want to go, Somewhere. Maybe I'll be killed out there But nobody never knows.

[Don't worry, no spoiler in this text] Boku dake ga inai machi (Erased) and Omori are psychological story. I found Erased manga before I knew that it has been adapted as anime and live action. I read an article about the manga and anime comparison. I also watched the synopsis of the anime. I'm glad that I chose to read the manga instead of watch the anime, because the manga is more detailed. As a mystery story, the manga gives several clues but not as obvious as the anime, so we can try to figure the puzzle out while reading the manga. The ending is way much different too. In the manga, the story ends by a final mystery, a final battle between the protagonist and antagonist. In the anime, they confront each other too, but the resolve is quite.. simple. I also love that in the manga, the character background and development is described. Omori, unlike Erased, is a psychological-horror game. It is nonlinear game, so our decision will determine the ending. It has several endings t...

I always think that this condition is really hard to me. However, I just realized that this condition is also very difficult for them. We both don't want to be in this condition, but here we are. When he lied to them, she actually felt that something was wrong. She thought he cheated on us. But, that time, she denied her gut. After several months, she tried to strengthen herself and faced this reality. She had a denial phase . Some years ago, I tried to come out. She denied me. I was very sad, disappointed, and angry at the moment, because I felt invalidated. Now I understand, she just couldn't accept the truth. If she could not accept me the way I am, I am the one who have to accept myself. I am valid with my own condition. I just have to be patient. One day, I would able to be come out. Meanwhile, I have to prepare myself. I need to stabilize my mental state and physical state. It's still gonna be a long journey. That sucks, but this is the only thing I can do. Happy fast...

I am their biggest disappointment. I am a loser, weirdo, gloomy, egoistic, emotional, terrible, person. I am really bad at speaking up about my opinions, standpoint, and arguments. Because when the surroundings threaten me, I'll get frozen and everything in my mind will only stay in my mind. I've taught to do that for my entire life. "Merasa tidak berdaya" adalah suatu frasa yang ternyata bisa sangat mempengaruhi kondisi seseorang. Orang yang "sehat" dan "bahagia" memiliki perasaan "berdaya". "Yuk, kita bahas, rumah ini mau dibagaimanakan. Ini open discussion ya, jadi kamu ngomong saja apa yang ada di pikiranmu. Kalau menurut saya, gorden itu diganti menjadi kaca saja." "Nggak deh, menurutku lebih baik tetap pakai gorden saja." "Ya... kan rumahnya mau ditata, supaya lebih rapi. Kamu kan juga nanti akan meninggalkan rumah ini." "Ya kalo gitu bilang aja: 'ini rumahku, terserah aku mau diapain', ngg...

Let me take you down Cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields Nothing is real And nothing to get hung about Strawberry Fields forever She said I might be hear that voice because I feel lonely. I refused. But maybe she was right. It started when I was looking on the street. I built my world and lived there for long time. I don't even remember how are they supposed to be.

It's been a while since the last time I wrote something in here. There is always a reason behind something, but not every question need to be answered, right? I don't know either why do I write in here again. This place has lost its purpose. I was seeking another place and I've found it. At least for now. Well, I think there is no permanent place to stay with. Life goes on and we're moving around. Pandemic really gives us time to reflect and rethink about the definition of dimension. Who are we? What are our identity? Are we defined by our race, religion, country, sexual orientation, physical appearance, or we just a simple earth species? Then, what makes us different with the other person? Are we even different? I found this phrase: we are not really strangers. Sabbe satta bhavantu sukhitatta.

Temanku yang seorang Buddhis pernah bilang kalau ia sebal dengan orang yang mengatakan karma is a bitch . Seolah-olah, karma selalu merupakan balasan atas keburukan. Padahal, karma atau kamma sebetulnya berarti perbuatan. Perbuatan kita saat ini adalah akibat dari perbuatan di masa lalu. Hukum sebab-akibat. Konsekuensi. Setelah merasakan hal yang sama terulang kembali , kini aku punya firasat kuat bahwa aku akan mengalami sesuatu yang sama untuk ketiga kalinya. Entah apakah aku akan mengalaminya, atau sebenarnya aku sedang mengalaminya. Pertanyaan yang terlintas ketika aku merenungi pola ini adalah, "karma apa yang telah kulakukan sehingga pola ini terus berulang?" Dalam acara Seninan empat hari yang lalu, kami membahas topik yang bertajuk "Berwisata ke Dalam Diri". Ternyata, topik ini mengarahkan kami untuk healing our inner child . Ada salah satu pembahasan dalam hal ini yang terkait dengan dua paragraf sebelumnya. Disebutkan bahwa salah satu ciri inner child...

/1/ Afirmasi Aku akan mampu Melewati ini Sendiri Aku akan kuat Menghadapi ini Sendiri Aku akan cukup Pasti bisa cukup Untuk diriku Sendiri ... =============== /2/ Berani Tubuh terintegrasi Kuat melangkah Menjelajahi jagat gede Menyelami jagat cilik Aku adalah sebutir nasi dalam tumpeng Sadar bernapas Selalu waspada Menerima masa depan Menerima masa lalu Aku adalah sekarang yang tak pernah ada =============== /3/ Sendiri ... Karena aku akan menyertai Diriku sendiri Sampai mati

You cannot just destroy something Like make it disappear It's because the conservation law If you don't give any force on it It goes nowhere but in its initial position Because it has inertia You probably don't realize, But it happens for a reason There is always a reaction for every action You can blame But you can't change Universe rules