A Great Scientist

What is a great scientist?

Honestly, I never thought about this before.

When I was on grade 6, I wrote 4 dreams on my elementary school album: scientist, artist, violinist, and comic artist. Back then, I had been playing violin for 2 years, drawing for many years (cannot determine when was the first time because I already drew doodles when I was small), and reading encyclopedias for, I also don't know how many years because I was so lucky that my parents always provide their children a lot of book.

I think science is fun and cool, while humans are very difficult to be understood. There was a time when I had an intersession holiday in elementary school; my parents gave me a math book for the next semester/grade. I finishes it before the semester started and I really enjoyed it. I love seeing the plants and animals, both on my encyclopedia and around me.

A 10-years-old-me was imagining myself, as an adult, wearing a labcoat and working on some experiments in the lab. Reading books. Drawing some stuff.

When I was in secondary school, I liked to play a surgical game. My bestfriend wanted to become a surgeon and I watched a lot of surgical videos on YouTube. I started to think to become a doctor, but once the adult around me heared about it, they were very enthusiast--somehow it annoys me and that thought didn't last long. I still draw and love science, but I stopped playing violin as I didn't have the confidence. I feel that violin is so loud and I disturbed my neighbours or my family. I got an art project and no one in our group could play musical instrument, so I learnt to play guitar. Turns out playing guitar was very comforting. I could produce a smooth sound with that instrument, and it helps me make friends in my next stage of life.

I don't know what happened to me, but in my secondary school, I thought much more than before. I thought about my past and my future. I already missed a lot of memories back then, and I was very afraid of my future. I don't want to have a hope and dreams.

Oh, now I'm thinking about it, I think I deliberately forget about what happened.

All I remember is I lost my long dream. I lived for the day. "As long as I study hard, eventually I will reach a good position."

I got good grades. I always on (around) the top 5 at my school. It made me more believe that I don't need a life goal to perform.

I moved to another city in my high school. I was being apart with my bestfriends. It was quite difficult for me; even before we were apart, I was aware that life will change. The childhood days would last soon. And it was true. High school life was totally different. It was very fun and enjoyable, though there were somethings ruined in the last few months. I still gripped on my belief: "it's fine to not have a life goal. I still can perform. I'm still motivated to study, because it's fun and I want to go to University XX."

Yeah. I was directed to continue my study in a specific university, which is on the top tiers in my country. There were some moments when I had an idea to go to a different university, but they didn't let me try, even to apply. As long as I continue to University XX, I can choose any programs.

I still love science, even though I started to dislike math on my high school. At grade 10, biology was my favourite--just a continuation of my previous study. At grade 11, it was chemistry, and finally at grade 12 I started to fell in love with physics. This made me decide to apply for Engineering Physics as my first choice, and I was accepted.. after some stressful test because I didn't apply to any other places and I was aware that I was not from the best high school in my country. I competed with the best students from the better schools.

I was happy in my university, although the question comes to me: "what now?"

For years, I put this university onto my dream. It came true. Then what?

"I'll just continue do my best. Perform. Study hard." It's true, because at that stage, I started to know that studying is difficult. Things that were bearable for me, started to become more difficult. I started to get sleepy in the class. But there was one professor that "tickles" my mind since my first day.

Curiosity. Do not believe the teachers. Do not believe the people.

That was what he emphasize.

I love his class. I never get sleepy in his class and I put so much effort to read and do the project. I learnt and remembered a lot of things from all of his classes.

Long story short, I graduated from my bachelor.

The question comes again: "what now?"

I didn't know what to do. I applied for some jobs (engineer, project manager, writer, illustrator) and got rejected. I worked on some illustration commission, planning about continue to Master's degree, joined an illustrator and classical music communities, and suddenly got a job. Some jobs, actually. One of them are the "clearest" job (I mean, if people asked me what am I doing, I will tell them that job).

Turns out the job was not really "clean". I betray myself because I need some dishonesty at that job. It was so stressful such that I quitted the job even before I got a new job.

Before I quitted the job, I almost continued MS in my university because I still enjoy studying and reading. However, my professor strongly recommended me to not continue there and suggested me some different options.

That's when I stumbled onto a website.

I am looking to grow a diverse group who enjoys doing curiosity-driven science that should be fun, beautiful, and (hopefully!) useful.

Damn, it was really resonating me. Curiosity-driven science? Fun? Beautiful? Sure! I always think that science is fun and beautiful. I have a lot of curiosities. Moreover, I prioritize the beauty of science more than the usefulness. I always find it's difficult when I meet people and they ask: "...but what's the use of this discovery? Why is it important?" I will be, like, "can you just enjoy the beauty of nature?"

To live in a world that has a lot of secrets that we somehow can model it with a language which is also still on human's searching...

It is just amazing.

So I tried to give myself a chance, and here I am. Got stumbled in another circumstances. Studying becomes even more difficult. Some things are out of my expectations. I face a new idealism of "being a scientist" and a different definition of "fun".

What is a great scientist and what do I want to do?

...why should I get stucked on one definition? Who defines "great" and why should I follow? What's important for me? What's my value?

Dear, I know the answer. I have the answer within my mind and my heart. I shall go home and write. Be myself.